I’m watching Brad Pitt in Moneyball on Netflix. And trying hard not to hurl chunks.   

This flick created The Legend of Billy Beane and made him the highest profile GM since Branch Rickey. 

Billy, the story goes, is a diamond heretic who thinks so far outside the batter’s box he’s taking his cuts in a cage atop the Golden Gate Bridge.  In the Baseball Almanac under the word Rebel you see his selfie.  Paul Anka was channeling Beane when he wrote My Way for the Ineffable righthander Sinatra.  

I like all that.

But Moneyball should be renamed The Oakland Scam. It’s baseball’s version of a Nigerian email promising 12 mill if you just send a couple thou to grease the feds. 

Michael Lewis wrote the book that spawned the movie.  Lewis is an exceptional writer and The Big Short is brilliant.  But, if you really believe this farce, Bernie Madoff has a drawer full of stock, bonds, and ghosts with your name tattooed top right.

Are you interested in reality?  I didn’t think so.  Reality is so mundane compared to Brad Pitt.  But welcome to the Oakland Mundanes.

The A’s won 103 games in 2002.  What’s more, they ticked off 20 victories in a row in August, which happens about as often as Gerrit Cole gets bombed in the first inning.  But this rock and roll was not ignited by Scott Hatteberg or Chad Bradford.  Try these names.

Tejada.  Hudson.  Zito.  Mulder.  Koch.  Liddle.

Miguel Tejada put up astronomical numbers.  He ripped 204 hits, clicked .308, scorched 34 jacks, drove in 131 runs.   

But, of course, he was only a shortstop and that’s not a very important position, is it?  After all, middle infielders drive in 131 digits all the time.  Don’t they?  Sure they do.

Tejada was Oakland’s MVP by 50,000 miles.  Was he even in the movie?  Didn’t think so.

Okay, Hatteberg did notch .280 with 68 RBI’s.  So, obviously, he deserves star billing because he fits the Billy Beane Protocol and the Sacred Sabermetrics.   

The truth be known, Beane dissed Tejada, calling him a wild free swinger, which didn’t fit the Moneyball Code of Honour.  So slide past the most dominant shortstop the A’s have ever seen..

“I’ve got this team, see, called the A’s and they do it all with Sabermetrics. To hell with home runs and those useless pitchers.  I can sell you a share for 50 grand, no questions asked.  But don’t ask for a receipt.“

Which brings us to the bottom line, the dudes on the hill who juiced the A’s. 

Barry Zito, 23-5 and 2.75.
Mark Mulder, 19-7 and 3.47
Tim Hudson 15-9 and 2.98

On top of that closer Billy Koch went 11-4 and gunned 44 saves.

As a Quartet of Lethal Terminators those guys were 68 and 25.  That’s as good as it gets, like selling a script to Steven Spielberg. 

   “If you don’t pitch, nothing else really matters.”
–Joe Torre

All the Sabermetric Analytics from here to Tuscaloosa don’t mean dung compared to those numbers.  You heard Brad Pitt piling on the praise for Zito and Mulder and Hudson and Koch over and over.  You heard that.  You did.  You didn’t?  Well, at one point, he told Hudson to throw his slider more. 

ZITO, 23 and 5 with a 2.75.  And never mentioned in the movie.

Liddle?  He was only 8-10 but he won five straight with a 0.20 ERA, including three notches when the A’s put up their marvelous streak. 

Moneyball is a very good flick.  I enjoy it. But it’s as far from reality as the delusions of conspiracy addicts who think JFK was iced by hit man ET’s from Mars. Or Jimmy Hoffa.  Or Babe Ruth.  That’s it.  Ruth was the sniper.

Or was it Barry Zito, the Southpaw Assassin?

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